Weekend debacle

I went to the mountains this weekend and got a little crazy. The weekend priorities were drinking, skiing, sleeping, and eating, in that order. Some guys had girls on their mind, but I don't think my girlfriend would have been happy. And even if I were single, mountain town girls are not attractive. They wear lots of layers to cover up, and I'm not talking about the cold.
I wish I had some good stories from the weekend, but I don't remember all of them. I also don't remember eating much, which may be why I lost five pounds in two days.
Here are some memorable quotes from the weekend:

"That's what she said" - this was said roughly 500 times, give or take 100.
"lumberg fu#%ed her"
"herpes is only a problem because not everybody has it yet" - disturbing but hilarious
"no matter how good or bad this run is that they're missing, let's all agree to tell them this is the most awesome thing we have ever done"
"hi, i saw an ad for your Italian restaurant. is this a strip club or a restaurant?"

funny sign on the bus: STDs are on the rise, protect your gear. - this is for ski equipment somehow. I'm not sure if this marketing campaign is really working.

That's all I remember in 48 hours. Awesome. But on the bright side I got to sit in traffic on the way home while one of my buddies was trying to look at porn on his phone. And yes, it was as uncomfortable as you can imagine. Especially since he has a really creepy looking beard, and requests from other passengers to see what he was looking at went ignored. I'm not sure I want to know what he was looking at.

Oh, and we got a flat tire one night. There are five guys in a car, two are sober and three and borderline blacked out wearing ski boots still. The two drunkest guys change the tire on the side of the highway when it's dark and there are no street lamps while the other three watch. Is this a problem? Should anyone have said anything? A couple of times I could have sworn I was having a conversation with the tire. Something like that really kills your buzz. It's a good thing we went to the bar later, getting drunk once on Saturday was obviously not enough.

A little advice to the guys out there: if you are under 30, don't go to the red lion after 8 p.m. unless you desperately want to go home with a woman that is a minimum of 35 years old. We had to leave after one drink because you could just feel their eyes on you. The pressure became a little intense as you felt all of the cougars in the bar setting their traps. You could just see the expressions on their faces: if he could just have two more drinks, I could get him out of here without his friends noticing.
Oh, and a note to all you cougars: don't worry about his friends. They want him to go home with you so they can all laugh and make fun of him for the next couple of days.

And my last thought of the day: does a guy really deserve to get slapped if he asks a girl to buy him a shot so she will look better?

Recent Events

So a lot of things have been happening lately and I haven't been very good about writing them down or remembering them. This is partly because of alcohol. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
We had the third annual Nascar-b-q two weekends ago which was terrific. Fast cars, loud noises, lots of beer...what's not to like? Maybe all the guys in jorts that showed off way too much man thigh, but if you keep your head up like you're supposed to then you can't even tell. I keep getting a lot of crap for watching nascar, but it's easy to get hooked. It's the best thing to watch while drinking beer on a Sunday once football season is over. When else could you bring out an eight person beer bong where no one is still and college and have everyone cheer? Pinatas full of beer? Oh yeah, we've got that. It's also a great excuse to cut your funny in a ridiculous way and grow out facial hair when you know you shouldn't. I wish we could do this every weekend. Of course, I also wish I had every Monday off, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I went to an indoor lacrosse game. For those of you that have never been, I highly encourage you to try it. It's more exciting than hockey or basketball without a doubt. It's fast, high-scoring, allows fighting to an extent, and can see some great hits. There were more people at the mammoth game on Saturday than at the Avalanche game the Thursday before. And the crowd was a lot more fun. This wasn't because it was the weekend, it's because the tickets are a third of the price, the crowd is younger, and everyone spends that extra cash on booze. There's no fighting in the crowd because no one knows where these other teams come from. And no one is from Canada. It's a great way to start a Saturday night also. Once you leave the arena with a few drinks in you, everyone is just starting to get to the bars. The party just never stops.

If there's anything better than a two-for-one happy hour then I haven't found it. Especially $3 long island iced teas at gov's park. At least I think that's how much they were, I put it on my girlfriends tab and never saw the check. Take a lesson fellas: give her a few cocktails and she has no idea what the check says. You can even offer to read it to her and sign her name, they like that.

Aside from tonight's win against Memphis, my nuggets have really sucked lately. I'll still go to some games though. If you don't like Allen Iverson, then f*#k you. Speaking of basketball, whatever happened to Shelden Williams? If he's no longer at duke, does that make him the ugliest man not playing college basketball?

Did anyone watch the academy awards last night? It got drawn out so much I got bored after half an hour and decided to do something more exciting. I taught myself how to knit hats and scarves. Did the wayans brothers win any awards?

Well that's all for my random thoughts tonight, it's time to watch 24. This is the most exciting show on television. This season has gotten a little ridiculous at times though. If someone put a drill into my back, I wouldn't be back at work the next hour. Unless I was Jack Bauer. He can do anything. But who do you think would win in a fight? Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer? Think about it...

I'm not perfect

I know, I know, the title of this post must come as quite shock to some of you, but I'm really not perfect despite my constant and outrageous claims. And for those of you that know me really well and are convinced I am, I offer to you a few mistakes I've made recently. They don't happen very often, so when they do they tend to stick in my mind for a little while.
In no particular order:

1) I let my girlfriend drive take my car home to her place...it got towed
2) I "ran the register"...my lungs are still burning but my legs are fine. I can't figure this one out
3) I borrowed my girlfriend's flip-flops and they fit...I'm not sure which part of that is worse
4) I considered waxing my chest hair...I know, it's manly, I'll keep it
5) I tarnished my reputation and admitted I've made mistakes

basketball and hot tubs

So is anyone else thrilled that duke is out of the rankings? I can't stand duke. How can anyone really like that school, especially the basketball team. I loved watching those stunned duke fans as they lost to north carolina. Is it bad when you cheer about someone else crying? I say no.

So I went skiing this weekend, but I didn't get a chance to use the ski & scare. I also didn't get to point and laugh at someone who had just crashed. But I did get to use the tuck and poke. When you're on a cat walk and someone is turning back and forth and taking up all the space, you tuck and pick a spot on the edge to go for. When you tuck, you stick your poles out to the side, so that when you go by, you "accidentally" smack them in the side with your pole. They usually start going straight after that and don't take up so much space on the cat walk.

Is there anything better than a hot tub after a day of skiing? We all know that there isn't, especially when you add in a cold beer. And maybe a pizza, combined with a foot rub. I could go for one of those right about now...

Skiing

So I'm going skiing this weekend, it should be a good time. But skiing can be a terrifying experience, which is why I wear a helmet. Have you ever been stopped on the side of a run, where people have plenty of time to see you and lots of space to avoid you, but somehow they ski way too close to you? You can't tell if they're really that dumb to not realize (many of them are) or if they are just trying to be jerks. Either way, someone needs to do something about this. When it happens to me, even if I'm waiting for someone and will risk losing them on the mountain for a period of time, I take off after the person. Usually they're not that fast, so I come in from the side as fast as I can. But this is tricky and you have to time it right. I like to swoop in, right at them, and as they turn away from you, they don't see you. But right as they start to turn, you turn away from them sharply, with a cloud of snow, and lots of noise, and you directly away from them. This often scares the heck out of them and they have no idea what just happened. First they look down the hill to see if you kept skiing by. Then they stop and look around to see where you went. This is where I'm stopped, with my goggles up, giving them the finger. It usually gets my point across. I mean, someone has to teach these idiots a lesson. And if they didn't understand the lesson, well, at least I had some fun getting a little payback against an idiot skier.
And I know some people might think I'm a jerk for this. But those kinds of people don't belong on the mountain, or at least on the part where I ski. I know they have brand new equipment and want to try it out and it's the third day of their ski trip and they're getting really good and their instructor told them they should try a "black diamond" and they're wearing a helmet so they should be safe and blah blah blah. I have news for these people: your instructor just wanted a bigger tip, and you're really not good. In case you haven't noticed, those hats with the dreadlocks went out of style with the fanny pack and the mullet. Get off the mountain now and get a drink so that when I go to the bar later I won't have to wait in line behind you.
Speaking of fun things to do on a mountain, have you ever seen somebody wipe out, and it's just a total yard sale, and their equipment goes everywhere? Then you ski down and they look at you expecting you to grab a ski or a pole and carry it down for them? I like to ski right on by without picking anything up, stop right next to them, look back up the hill, and ask what happened. If they don't know, just point, laugh and ski away. It's not like they can do anything to you, their skis are still spread all over the hill.

Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday was both a really good day, and a not so good day. I had a bunch of friends over, we drank some beers, they had some shots, I didn't really have any shots since I was still hungover from saturday, and we watched the game. The super bowl has become such an event now that I don't know why we are required to go to work the next day. Nine out of ten people are tired or hungover; everyone looks like crap, their eyes are bloodshot, you have to explain everything at least three times before anyone understands, and you know everyone is just counting the minutes before the end of the day. Every hour you see a bunch of people stand up, stretch, look around, and either go to the bathroom or get something to drink. And everyone is thinking the same thing: when is the first person going to leave so I don't look bad for leaving early?
I am starting a movement or a petition or whatever next January, to get every place of business to either close on that Monday, or have a late start. I think I could have made it by noon and gotten something done don't you?
I also have an issue with Colorado liquor stores still being closed on Sunday. Is this still a holy day for anyone, or the just the day when you either deal with your hangover, or lower your standards and drink 3.2 beer. We really need to come out of the 19th century. If Sunday is a day of rest, shouldn't you be able to drink something that really helps you relax? Nothing would help me relax more than a cold beer, or a beam and coke. Well, in terms of drinks anyway.
And speaking of relaxing, I need one of those foot massagers under my desk. I think I would concentrate way better and be even more productive at work. Or at least I should be able to walk around barefoot. That would be terrific.
I also promise my blogs will be much more entertaining when I carry and pen and pad around. I get the greatest ideas randomly throughout the day, some so good I just stop and laugh for a few minutes, but by the time I get home I have no idea what I wanted to say. I'll work on that I promise.
Lastly, would anyone else like to be the news anchor that goes on at noon? awesome job, good hours, good pay, and no one even knows if you suck. sweet deal.

Weeknight drinking

I don't want to sound like an alcoholic or anything, but if you go out on a weeknight and have some beers, maybe some shots, with your friends, doesn't it make the week go by so much faster? I know it does for me. Your night flies by, you go right to sleep when you hit the pillow, and it gives you something to look forward to for the weekend. Honestly, can anyone really find a downside to all of that?
On another note, I think my friend meatball has the greatest nickname. It's fun to say, it's only two syllables, and it needs no explanation. If anyone asks why his name is meatball, you can just say: why not? That usually shuts them up really quickly.
Is it wrong to give girls nicknames? I think it's hilarious, but everyone seems really offended whenever I give a girl a nickname. I understand if refers to her looks (or lack thereof) or her permiscuity (is that a word?), but if it has nothing to do with that stuff, what is the problem?
Do you like bud light or coors light better? If you like coors light better, then f*#k you!
I'd also like to give a shout out to my buddy Maurer, who came up with the nickname 7-11, because he never closes. Sorry kyle, maybe one day you can become a man.

Hockey

So I went to the Avalanche game tonight and had a few beers, which was awesome. The Avs beat the number one team in the league. It was a great game, with beer, on a Tuesday night. But I couldn't help noticing: what happened to all the trophy wives and girlfriends at the games? Not that you would ever want to touch them with a ten foot pole, but still, who doesn't love a little eye candy?
On a related note, why isn't hockey more popular than basketball. We have a sport where guys work their asses off, knock each other into boards, get into fights, lose teeth, and still smile. Then there's the sport with a bunch of thugs, with superstar fouls, too much one on one, no contact, and absolutely no defense. This is seriously appealing? I cheer for the nuggets, but I can't 't back the nba. I think we need to get rid of David Stern. He's been around way too long. I say get Vin Diesel to run the league. Then we would have the toughest sport around. Full contact basketball: arenas would be sold out ever night. And if he can't do it, I promise I could make basketball the most entertaining sport on the planet. Oh, and David Stern would respond to this, but he's too busy giving dwayne wade a hummer.

Super Bowl Predictions

Colts by more than 1

People I hate

I can't stand bad drivers. Especially people on cell phones. They need blue tooth or those ear pieces that hang down. I really could care less. Just pay attention. I was driving home from the mountains the other day, and got behind a slow car. I got up behind them, and they kept tapping their brakes like I was too close. Normally I would just go around them, but there was a car to my right so I couldn't do anything. Why would they stay in the left lane, going below the speed limit? So finally, they speed up a little, go into the right lane, and then gun it, so I can't pass them. They act like they were going fast the whole time.
Anyway, so as I pass them, we throw a McDonald's milkshake on their back windshield. It just sticks there and they don't have a rear windshield wiper. It was great. Jerks.
So anyway, we're going by, and I remember I have my old windshield wipers in the back seat since I had just gotten new ones. Why I didn't take them out I have no idea, but right about now I must say I'm brilliant. So I reach in the back seat, grab both windshield wipers and toss them out the window behind us. They landed perfectly in front of the jerk car. I slam on the gas, go around the corner, and I never saw that car again. I did hear a loud crash, but I just assumed it was the snowplows going the other direction. Some really need to learn how to drive.

Disclaimer

It is very likely that many or all of the stories you read in the blog are fake or embellished. Some may be real.

Old Porn

So, my roommate and I recently encountered the problem of what to do with old playboy magazines. Has anyone had this problem before? We weren't quite sure what to do. Logically, you should just throw away old magazines when you are done reading (or looking at) them. And this is what I normally do with sports, business, or any other magazine I have. But these things can looked at over and over again. The pictures really don't get old, and you can look at the same one time and time again without getting tired of it. You can't really really an article more than once, unless you're doing research, trying to find a specific part to prove a point, or you just plain forgot it or didn't understand it after the first time.
Sure, you get new magazines to look at, with new people people in new settings. But that's not the point. Do we really want to be the guys that threw away old porn? You can't really give it away can you? It's not like a video, which can be passed on, and maybe even copied.
So, not wanting to throw it away and waste, and not wanting to give it to any of our friends, here is what we came up with: we decided to take the magazines, and put one under the door of random neighbors in our apartment building. Kind of like a late holiday gift. Sure, this could turn out to be a terrible idea, and there could be many angry residents. But just imagine the kids that find it before their parents, or curious girlfriends who get ideas for their boyfriends, or the lonely single people who need a little warmth and comfort on a Friday night. It's like the gift that keeps on giving. We don't want to be selfish. Everyone should get to enjoy this! And hopefully these people will turn around and give it to someone else when they acquire too much. Maybe we just started something like a chain letter. Wouldn't that be awesome? The porn ladder!
So to those of you out there that have received random magazines under your door, and to those of you that someday will receive a magazine under your door, let me just say: you're welcome.

End of season football questions

1. would anyone notice if tony siragusa never came back?
2. if the patriots had won, would phil simms ask if he could carry tom brady's child?
3. how can anyone actually cheer for the patriots?
4. if rex grossman wins the super bowl, will the world come to an end?
5. what must edgerrin james be thinking right now?
5. how long will it take for me to get on the cutler band wagon?
6. will reche caldwell ever close his eyes?
7. who likes joe buck?
8. who is mario williams?
9. is anyone else planning to watch the super bowl at a strip club?
10. who else is betting that the broncos win the super bowl next year?
11. No, seriously, who actually likes joe buck?

If I had a knapsack

This is a list of things I wish I carried around all the time:
night vision goggles
water balloons
pocket knife
tweezers
bottle rockets
q-tips
cheez-its
super glue
binoculars
pellet gun
picture of john elway
beer
gold coin

What I miss about my old job:

1) My friends
2) Walking to work
3)...umm...



Well that was quick. Until next time.

The Simpsons

Is it me? Or has anyone else realized the Simpsons sucks now? When did this happen? Have I been in denial? I have been a die-hard fan for as many years as I can remember now, and maybe that's the problem. Maybe I've been blind to this slow but steady decline in humor and entertainment. Remember when you would see your friends Monday and you would go back and forth with all the memorable quotes from the previous nights show? I miss those days. I heard a few years back when the producers said when they wanted to quit, they would make a movie and be done with it. Now there's a movie and no end in sight? I can't tell you how many times I watch a new episode, maybe chuckle a little bit, change the channel to something else and completely forget what just happened. They're just living on reputation at this point. I say get rid of them and give me a chance, I've got plenty of good ideas for a show. Now, would they be entertaining to anyone but me, my friend Logan or Greg N? Maybe not, but I'm sure a lot of people would tune in just to find out what kinds of outrageous ideas we would come up with. If you're reading this (all 2 of you) I bet you're giggling at that idea. No? Just me? That's what I figured.

Faux-hawk

I have been discussing this with different people now, and just when we think we have it figured out, someone throws in a new wrinkle. So if you have any input, let me know what it is. When does a man become too old to sport the faux hawk? I said 30, and after that it's gotta go. After saying this and having at least a dozen people tell me I'm gay, I was thinking maybe the faux-hawk just has to go. Maybe no one should ever have it. When you think about it, don't you stop and point, or whisper to your friends, or take out the cell phone camera and take a picture of every faux-hawk you see? Or is that just me? Alright, I guess so.
I heard another theory today: when you have to get up in the morning for something other than school, time to get rid of the faux-hawk. I like this one, I think it works. But what about the guys who have thinning hair? The faux-hawk allows them to cover it up, look stylish, and not seem so old. Can we fault them? Of course we can! So do me a favor, let's band together and get rid of the faux-hawk unless you're a drummer. Otherwise, don't be surprised when people ask you to be in a picture for no good reason, you have it coming to you.

the start of something big

So I finally got around to starting that blog I kept saying I was going to write. For those of you that encouraged this, it's finally here and this is for you. For those of you that said this was a dumb idea, well, you may be right but I did this just to spite you. I hope to use this space for all of my random, ridiculous, occasionally funny, often offensive, but very essential thoughts on life.

For now we will just call this Awesome thoughts, because that is exactly what they are. My thoughts, which are always awesome. It's not quite "The Chronicles of Joe Awesomestein" but I haven't quite developed my alter ego Joe Awesomestein yet. But we are working on it. So for anyone that is actually taking time away from what they should be doing to read this, and for those really do have nothing better to do, I hope to keep you entertained. So try and check back often, I hope to lead you into a far more interesting and outrageous fantasy life that only exists in my head. Welcome!